Effective listening is one of the most essential qualities in friendship. It is also one of the most attractive male qualities (hint, guys: listening can be a very sexy thing).

Being able to share with another person, without interruptions or judgmental attitudes is comforting and provides an outlet for anxiety and stress. It’s not surprising that many people seek therapy and literally ‘buy’ an hour of uninterrupted listening! We all need care and attention, but we need genuine, not illusory attention.

When was the last time anyone really listened to everything you wanted to say, without looking at their watch or starting to talk about themselves 5 minutes into the conversation?

For most of us, it has been a while. Effective listening is not just a rare occurrence. It is an endangered species! Some have never seen it! They’ve heard of it, as a mystical creature of old times, when people used to sit on their porches and just talk and listen, and then listen some more.

I think modern men and women are deprived of effective listening and desperately need it. So I encourage you to slow down for a moment, turn off your cell phone, instant messaging and twitter feeds and really devote yourself to the person you’re with … and just listen. Miracles will happen and you will give someone a wonderful gift. If you don’t believe me, consider it a thought experiment and just see what happens.

Here’s what you need to do:

1) Be silent

You might wonder how this can have any beneficial effect, but it is an essential component to effective listening and a basic counseling skill. You need to give the person enough time and space so they can really open up. Sometimes we just don’t shut up long enough to see what others have to say. A silent pause of 5, or even 10 seconds allows the other person time to collect their thought, without feeling hurried.

2) Focus on feelings

Enough talk about baseball games, Lady Gaga’s meat dress and the pilot episode of CSI (I know, I know, I like the show too). Enough ‘he said, she said’! It’s time to talk about the real things: the contents of our emotional world that have been neglected for so long. I find that when I ask people how they feel, they can’t even name their emotions. That’s how detached we’ve become from our own feelings. We’ve been mislead into believing that our feelings don’t matter and that we can “get over” them. It’s time to get back in touch with feelings. Don’t just ask about things, but the feelings that these things evoke (“How do you feel about it?”).

Remember, that feelings are neither right or wrong. Every individual is entitled to their feelings, and you don’t have to justify or negate them. What if tell you, “I get very angry when my colleague leaves his cup of coffee on my desk.” You might say: “I don’t see why something silly like that should anger you” or “Just bring it back to his desk.” To either of those responses I might become defensive or hostile. After all, I felt what I felt (silly or not) and I should not make excuses for my feelings.

3) Accept the person’s view

Each of us experiences reality slightly differently, because we live in different psychological worlds. The purpose of listening is not to ‘correct’ another viewpoint and make it sound more like mine. The purpose is to understand another viewpoint. As with feelings, everyone is entitled to their unique point of view. This is not to say healthier alternatives can’t be suggested later on, but listening and acceptance come first. A person who feels understood, rather than attacked, is more likely to reexamine their own perspective and change it.

4) Avoid giving advice

When we begin to share, many people assume they must solve our problem (this is more characteristic of men than women). Remember that the goal of listening is to understand and accept, and not solve problems.

Psychotherapist Eric Berne expled the ‘advice giving game’ and established the pattern we’ve all seen: A: “I have this problem.” B: “Why don’t you do this and that?” A: “Yes, but ...(reasons why the suggestion won’t work).” B:”Then why don’t you … (another suggestion).” A: “Yes, but…“

Sounds familiar?

The reason why this happens is either there is something else to the story the person has not shared, or there are other reasons they avoid your advice. Time is much wiser spend hearing all about the problem and the feelings around that problem than trying to solve it in a haste. Don’t assume that person doesn’t need help with their problem. Oh, yes, they do, but this is not the way to help them.

Of course, if someone explicitly asks for advice, that is a whole different story.

5) Reflect on their thoughts and feelings

Every psychologist will tell you that one of the most effective things you can do to offer support is providing feedback by restating what has just been said. This seemingly repetitive manner actually helps the person who is talking identify their feelings and thought better, especially when they feel lost and overwhelmed. It also makes sure that you understand them. If you paraphrase what they’ve just said, and they tell you, “Oh, no, that’s not what I meant,” the miscommunication is eliminated right then and there.

6) Ask open-ended questions

Open-ended questions (“What would you like to do this weekend?”) encourage free expression, whereas closed questions (“Do you want to go skiing this weekend?) only require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.

On a day-to-day basis we feel so rushed, there is just not enough time to ask open-ended questions. ‘Hey, I’m making plans to go skiing this weekend and just want to know if you’re in. (I don’t have time to explore what you want to do.)’ I get that, but when you really want to show someone that you care about their thoughts, feelings and plans, you need to ask open-ended questions.

7) Clarify the problem

In order to discover a solution, you need to identify and define the problem. If I’ve told you I get really angry when my colleague leaves his coffee on my desk and you’ve suggested I should just bring the cup back to his desk, that is not very helpful. The chances are that the problem extends much deeper than that. My anger might be provoked by how much I dislike my colleague in general, or how dissatisfied I am with my job. More adequate solutions would be talking to my manager, going to a different department or just finding another job, none of which will be achieved if I put the infamous cup of coffee back where it belongs. An effective listener can help me clarify the problem by doing all of the above.

I don’t think you can or have to solve anyone’s problems, but you can empower people so they can take care of themselves, and that’s often done by mere listening.

Image: Joseph Gilbert

About 50% of first marriages for men under age 45 may end in divorce, and between 44 and 52% of women’s first marriages may end in divorce for these age groups.

Rose M. Kreider and Jason M. Fields, “Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 1996″, U.S. Census Bureau Current Population Reports, February 2002, p. 18.

What do these numbers tell us?
My interpretation is that marriage is no longer the rock-solid and unyielding sacrament it was invented to be. Yes – invented. Holy matrimony and monogamy, for that matter, are human creations that made a lot a sense in a brutish and nasty world, where one faced a myriad of enemies and hardships. However, that was a totally different time: in 1900 the average lifespan was 47 years; in 2000 it is 77. In the past, many men lost their wives to childbirth and getting remarried was very common. Fortunately, short life and perilous delivery are no longer the norm. So, are we unreasonable in expecting monogamy to work for all of us, all the way through our long life?

Does monogamy work? Statistics show that Americans, at least, are not very good at it, and the divorce rate wavers around 50% (just compare it with Japan’s 2% divorce rate).

We can ask: “Why are so many people getting divorced?” We can also ask: “Why are people getting married in the first place?” I am not trying to disacknowledge the institution of marriage, but I am afraid many people have unrealistic expectations, or simply get married because it is the norm. Just like so many other things, getting married and having children is what is expected of you, at one point in your life. If one enjoys a ‘single life’ for ‘too long’, or relishes polygamy, people start asking, ‘What’s wrong with you? When are you gonna come to your senses and settle down?’ Well, maybe it is worth considering not everyone is the marrying kind. Marriage and monogamy certainly work for many, but not all people. The sooner we realize this, the better. In our western society, getting married is still a very sensible practice (tax benefits for marriage, joined savings accounts and so on), but it makes no sense whatsoever if it doesn’t involve an exclusive, committed relationship. Yet, some people manage to save their marriage while being engaged in polyamory or swinging. Still, it is very rare, because this peculiar lifestyle cannot be stomached by all. The alternative for those who cannot abide monogamy, but do get married, is cheating and/or divorce. Hence, the 50% divorce rate and we are still asking: “Why are people getting married in the first place?”

Another problem for marriage, monogamy and relationships in general is the unrealistic portrayal of romance in the media. Many people are enthralled with the myth that they are going to meet one special person (or maybe a soul-mate) who is going to share their dreams and ideals, and satisfy them on every level (emotional, intellectual, sexual). It would be wonderful if you meet this truly special someone, but, realistically, isn’t this too much to ask from one person? Is it really plausible to expect your spouse or partner to be your best friend, your fervent supporter, to share your hobbies, interests and goals, but also to be gorgeous and, umm of course, the best sex you’ve ever had?

Wild and passionate love that conquers all is commonplace in Hollywood. The message in most movies is that romance, passion, love and happiness are the key components to a relationship. Commitment, friendship, cooperation and forgiveness sink in the background.

Many, I’m afraid, begin to believe that romance and passion are supposed to rule and define a relationship. However, when you are caught up in a stressful routine, overwhelmed with duties and worries, there is very little room left for romance. All of a sudden, your heart is not racing when you see your significant other. All of a sudden, you don’t wish to cuddle until noon on Saturday. At this point many people grow worried that the love is dying, because the passion and romance are gone. Many people think that it is probably time to move on – the marriage is not working. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of passion and romance, but it is fallacious to expect them to last very long, they are just the ephemeral joys of young love. They might be what brought two people together, but are not what will keep them together. Naturally, over time, your significant other is no longer new, exotic and unfamiliar and you cannot expect your hearts to race every time you see each other. You have adapted. It is not necessarily a herald for dying love or a failing relationship. It is evidence that we are creatures who adapt to their surroundings. The contrary would be unhealthy.

We have become love junkies with serious commitment problems. This is not surprising, considering we are a consumerist society that is used to satisfying its every craving. Leased cars are only good until the next model is available. Presents come with gift receipts. Goods can be returned, or exchanged. You can enjoy a free trial of most games, programs, services, massage chairs, mattresses and most other products. Imperfectly, there is no free trial in marriage. There are no guarantees, or your money back. No option for return, or exchange and nothing is risk free. On the contrary, you have a lot to risk and a lot to compromise. Have we lost grasp of these concepts? The overabundance of products makes us capricious and easily bored, and explains our commitment issues.

Does monogamy work? Does marriage work?

Don’t expect to find a single right answer, just keep an open mind and , possibly, understand that one lifestyle is not for all.