Being able to recognize and perceive the positive aspect of each situation is perhaps the single most valuable ability we can possess. It creates a buffer zone against the stress we are all exposed to. It can give us comfort in difficult moments and motivate us when facing problems.

Many philosophers, writers, psychologists (especially Existential psychologists) and stress management experts talk about humans’ ultimate ability to choose. We always have a choice! If we cannot always change events, we are free to choose how to perceive these events, what to think of them and what to focus on.¹

Even when faced with the worst possible situation, we have the power to focus on the positive (How can this make me stronger? What can I learn from this? There are people out there suffering greater hardships than me. Is there any way I can help them?) while de-emphasizing the terrible side of things. Of course, this is easier said than done, but you can begin moving in this direction in little steps. Try developing selective awareness for the positive and make it a lifestyle.

Here are some little things you can do that will help you come to better know and cherish the positive things in your life.

1. Learn to accept compliments and congratulations.

I have often wondered why so many people are having a hard time accepting an honest compliment. I would say, “What a lovely dress!” and hear back, “What? This old thing!” At a dinner invitation I may congratulate the host on preparing such an abundant and delicious treat. At this point, I often receive, “Oh, it’s nothing really. I just put a few things together in a hurry.” . . . Puzzling, isn’t it?

Have I ever given such responses? It is quite possible, but I surely try to shift in a different direction. So, what are we really saying when we give such a response to an honest compliment? There are a few options: “I am not worthy of a compliment” or “I am not used to being complimented, so I can’t react adequately” , “I’m not used to people giving me credit for my looks/taste/abilities” and so on.¹ We have gotten so used to receiving criticism, we don’t even know how to accept a proper compliment. Sometimes, the feeling behind a compliment is sheer embarrassment. We feel embarrassed because someone has noticed something good about us! How ironic is that? Isn’t recognition what we generally want?  Someone has noticed a good thing in us/about us and is offering a friendly tap on the back – this is wonderful – accept it! There is nothing wrong with saying, “Thank you! I haven’t worn this dress in a long time, but I’m glad it still looks good” or “Thank you! I am truly glad you like the meal. I was trying to prepare a nice dinner for my guests to enjoy.”

Learning to accept compliments and congratulations will naturally take you to the next step . . .

2. Congratulate yourself.

I have to put a disclaimer here: I am not suggesting that we all should become obnoxious and self-absorbed, but there is nothing wrong about giving yourself credit for sincere effort, hard work or successful outcome. Our self-efficacy, the perception that we can face challenges and deal with problems effectively, is based on successful previous experience. If we never notice the progress we are doing, we can never build a sense of self-efficacy that can make us stronger and more determined in overcoming bigger challenges. This can be applied to virtually anything, from quitting smoking to being more productive at work. Give yourself credit for the effort and for the work. Notice the positive, the progress, every step of the way, and this will surely make the journey more pleasant and the goal closer to reach.

3. Take time to recognize the positive.

We are usually so consumed with daily routine and hassles that we don’t physically give ourselves the time to sit down and reflect. We move from one task to the next, often with a sense of urgency, we deal with distress and forget about contentment. Take some time of your day to spend with a good friend, only that friend is YOU. Reflect on the things that happened, offer support, an honest compliment and congratulations. If your best friend was in distress, wouldn’t you try to comfort him/her? Wouldn’t you try to pull them out of the dark hole they are in and show them the beauty outside? How are YOU any different? Why can’t you be your own best friend?!

Taking time to reflect on the positive can only take as little as a few minutes at the end of the day, while driving home from work, brushing your teeth, or before going to bed. Jot it down, if you wish to make it more tangible and keep a list for future reference. I’d say, you owe it to yourself.

References: 1.  Greenberg, J. S. (2011). Comprehensive Stress Management, 12th ed. McGraw Hill.

Why is early adulthood often considered “the prime of life”?

Early adulthood is the developmental stage from about age 20 to age 35. It is generally considered the ‘prime of life’ as the young individual is emerging from adolescence with a well-established sense of Identity and can approach life with determination and self-esteem. Also, during this period, young adults are physically stronger and healthier that any of the other stages to follow. It is the time of pursuing one’s dreams and enjoying the comfort of cozy, meaningful and loving relationships.

When are the norms and peaks for height and weight for both men and women reached?

For females, maximum height is reached at about age 16, while males still undergo the process up until age 18. However, in some cases, skeletal growth may continue in people’s early 20s. Fat accumulation and muscle growth continue into the early 20s as well. It is then that males reach full upper-arm and shoulder size, while females reach their full hip and breast size. This developmental stage can be identified with one’s growing physical strength that reaches its peak around the age of 30. Physical endurance, strength and stamina are the norm in this stage. In addition, all of the body systems (digestive, respiratory, sexual-reproductive, circulatory) function at their optimal levels.

What are senescence and organ reserves?

Generally speaking, senescence is a hallmark through adulthood. It is a state of physical decline (that usually starts around the 30s) where the body gradually loses its strength and efficiency with age. Senescence goes hand in hand and can be partly explained with the decline of organ reserve with age. Organ reserve stands for the extra capacity each organ has to withstand the critical moments of prolonged, or extreme stress. With advancing age, organ reserve gradually declines.

What is infertility and what are some of the new technologies for dealing with it?

Infertility explains the lack of successful pregnancy after at least one year of regular intercourse without any contraception. There are many personal, social and also environmental factors that may stand behind it. Fortunately, Assistive Reproductive Technology is widely used nowadays, using numerous artificial methods to achieve or facilitate pregnancy. Some of these methods are:

In-vitro Fertilization (IVF) – a medically developed technique in which the egg cell is being fertilized outside of the woman’s body. This method has proven to be very efficient for couples suffering infertility when other attempts  of achieving conception have tailed. The in-vitro fertilization requires removing the ova from the woman’s ovaries. Then, when put in a fluid, the egg is being fertilized by the sperm. Finally, the zygote is put back in the woman’s uterus so that pregnancy is established. Still being an expensive procedure, in-vitro fertilization is usually performed after other attempts to get pregnant have failed.

Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) – a procedure that is very effective in cases when male infertility implies low or very low sperm count. In this method a single sperm is taken and injected directly in the middle of the egg cell with the help of a micro needle.

What is body mass index (BMI)?

Body mass index is the ratio between one’s weight and height (using the Metric measures). It is supposed to be very accurate for both men and women and is claimed to be a reliable indicator for one’s general condition and fitness.

Personally I think that as accurate as it may be for the general population MBI calculation is not always reliable criterion. For example, it does not consider variables such as body and bone structure, levels of physical activity, etc.

What are some major health problems in young adulthood?

Encountering the numerous social pressures of adult life and trying to deal with emotional problems, young adults often suffer clinical depression, drug and alcohol abuse. Eating disorders are particularly common among females. Also, young adulthood is, typically, the onset stage for many psychological disorders (some of them being very severe, like Schizophrenia). Many of the Personality disorders become clearly expressed in early adulthood as well. Still, health problems are not really common among young adults. However, violence (especially among males) is a major cause for injuries and even death.

What are the most common types of eating disorders?

Anorexia Nervosa is generally described as ‘self-starvation’. Usually, the person who is suffering Anorexia is voluntarily eating too little and/or exercising too much. The victims hold a distorted image of themselves, always seeing their bodies as ‘unattractive’ and ‘fat’ and deny the problems of not eating. Most often, victims refuse to maintain body weight of at least 85% of what is considered to be normal for their age. Anorexia Nervosa is a very serious condition and between 5% and 20% of its victims die because of it. The severity of the disease caused it to be characterized in the DMS-IV as one of the eating disorders.

Bulimia Nervosa is yet another eating disorder described in the DSM-IV. Once again, victims have a distorted self-image and are overly preoccupied with the way their body looks. The disorder is characterized by episodes of bingeing and then purging (induced vomiting or use of laxatives). In order to meet the criteria for the disorder, these episodes should occur at least once a week for three months.

Both Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa are seen more often among females, although there have been a slight percent of male victims.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is more common among males. It is characterized by the preoccupation with working out, gaining muscle mass and reducing body fat. Once again, victims have an unrealistic body image and tend to abuse steroids.

Why is male violence during young adulthood such a problem?

Unfortunately, male violence appears to be very common in Early Adulthood, taking a lot of victims. It is a serious problem, because it is among the major causes of death and serious injuries that does not allow young adults to enjoy the healthy life of this developmental stage. The statistics showing that almost 1% of young adults in the United States (between ages 15 and 25) die violently is very disturbing. It is incredibly sad that the world loses people in the prime of their life to homicide, suicide or motorcycle accidents.

What is cognitive flexibility?

Cognitive flexibility is probably the main characteristic in young adults’ cognition. It explains their awareness of the fact that each and every problem has a number of possible solutions and that every individual has a personal opinion that may reflect only one side of an issue. This cognitive flexibility also stands for the better coping skills of young adults and their ability to contemplate different perspectives, opinions and analyze multiple possible solutions. It also explains creativity.

What are the effects of college on the young adults?

Psychologist and textbook writer Kathleen Berger explains a very important aspect of college life. After carefully explaining and considering anxiety and disidentification she is drawing the important conclusion – that hard work during the years spent in college results in deeper and more dialectical thought of reasoning. Dialectical thought is probably the most advance cognitive process which involves thinking about a thesis and antithesis. It also involves Hegel’s philosophical concept that each and every truth or idea has implanted within itself the exact opposite. Thus, young adults are capable of considering multiple choices and points of view, coming up with their own thesis, considering an antithesis and combining them in a synthesis. Ideally, all of these processes are being strengthened in college, as the person encounters many new fields of information, gets involved in hot debates in search of the ‘truth’, and may spend months or years in researching a single problem. Needless to say, college improves one’s reading and analytical skills.

What can be a central challenge of this time period?

According to psychologist Erik Erikson, the central developmental challenge in young adulthood is Intimacy vs. Isolation. Erikson explains that people in this stage desire to form meaningful relationships where they can love and be loved, sharing their personal life. However, this can happen after the person has emerged Adolescence with a secure sense of Self/ Identity. Otherwise, one is at risk of suffering isolation and loneliness. Not being able to answer the question “Who am I?” can easily explain why sharing and being committed to someone else is difficult.

Why is intimacy so important?

Intimacy is a physical, mental and emotional state of total sharing with another individual, where the relationship is strengthened by attachment and physical proximity. Intimacy is not only associated with physical attractiveness or sexuality, but also with platonic feelings of love and closeness. To a great extent, it is a ‘two-way-street’ and can truly be accomplished only of it is shared by the two people in the relationship.

Since relationships are so important, what are the gateways to friendship? What are exclusion criteria?

There are many qualities in a person that we consciously and/or unconsciously consider before establishing any sort of relationship with them. Often, proximity in appearance, physical attractiveness, social status, level of intelligence and moral values are among these qualities. Exclusion criteria are the person’s reasons for excluding certain people from their circle of friends and/or partners. These are strictly personal and therefore, may vary greatly from one individual, to another.

What are some gender differences in friendships?

The general differences that men and women have are easily transmitted in the friendships that they have. Women, in their friendships, tend to talk about their feelings, intimate relationships, problems in the family and with their loved ones, personal fears, wishes and difficulties. On the other hand, men tend to bond around a mutual hobby or interest that they have. Usually, that is sports, cars, politics or their work. From my personal observations, I dare say that it almost seems as if men work hard to avoid sharing. It is funny, how many men may seem scared if you confront them with a personal question, even if you are a friend. Many of my good friends are boys and I have noticed that they are able to confide better with a woman than with another man.

What are the benefits and drawbacks of co-habitation?

Living together with a significant other, without marriage can be viewed as a way to strengthen the relationship and help you really get to know each other. However, I was surprised to read about all the drawbacks that author Kathleen Berger points out. Obviously, research shows that co-habitations bring more stress and less financial satisfaction. Also, it appears that health problems, physical abuse and alcohol abuse are more common among co-habitants that among married people.

What are some of the contemporary changes in marriage?

The number of people who get married has dropped dramatically over the past century. Statistics show that almost a half of all births are to single mothers and in another 20%, the conception has taken place before the actual marriage. Less and less people in young adulthood tend to get married, as the average age is increasing. Shockingly, the divorce rate is 49% of the marriage rate. All of these contemporary changes really imply little faith in the marriage institution.

What is homogamy?

Homogamy exists in the relationship of two individuals when they share mutual values, goals, interests, socio-economic status, ethnical and social background and religion.

What is patriarchal terrorism and how does it relate to spouse abuse?

Spouse abuse as well as common couple violence appears to be very common in relationships. This is often explained with the huge amount of stress that people suffer every day. Sometimes, violence is just a part of one’s cultural or/and personal background which makes it a repeatable pattern. Patriarchal Terrorism stands for a type of spouse abuse where the husband (usually) is using violent methods to degrade, punish or isolate his wife, thus making her feel vulnerable and helpless. This, then, strengthens his sense of superiority.

What is generativity?

Generativity is an essential theme throughout adulthood (and also one Erikson’s developmental challenges in life). It stands for one’s desire to be active, effective and functioning at his/her peak. It is the motivation behind personal and professional accomplishments and pursuing goals.

What is “the social clock” ?

The concept of the ‘social clock’ explains the expectations that a society holds as to what roles should be appropriate for a particular developmental stage. These, however, may vary incredibly from one culture to another and is usually very hard to change, as it is already deeply implanted in the culture and the peoples’ historical background which had shaped them as a society. In many parts of the world it is well accepted that children as old as 10 should take care of their siblings or work in the fields, whereas such practice would be unacceptable or even punished by the law in the United States or most European countries. In the same way, in many societies, marriages among young adolescents are encouraged – a practice that might be illegal in other parts of the world.

“All nature teaches that man is born for happiness”

~Andre Gide

Yet we have never agreed on a single definition of happiness. Is it well being? Is it wealth? Is it the abundance of love and respect? As Homo sapiens evolved and inventions made life easier and more comfortable, people discovered more free time… and their minds wandered. As people found protection from the merciless powers of nature, they found they are not entirely at the mercy of the Gods. And their minds wandered. Greek mythology tells the stories of industrious and brave men who stole the fire from the gods, cheated death, opposed and defeated supernatural beings. The realization that people were worthy of praise and happiness was born. The Myth of Sisyphus remains one of the most intriguing and genuinely philosophical readings of all. The simplicity of the plot and the complexity of the ideas depict the very paradox of human existence.

The Myth of Sisyphus is a eulogy of the strength of the human spirit and a lament of men’s ordeals.

Reflecting on the ancient story, Albert Camus draws an interesting parallel with the life and work of modern men reaching a profound conclusion: “Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable;” “There is no sun without shadow … One always finds one’s burden again” (Albert Camus). Maybe these simple phrases manage to capture the complexity of our path on earth. Perhaps, the pursuit of happiness is the prophet of our catastrophe? Still, this is so hard to investigate because “happiness” is an elusive concept, meaning different things to different people. It might also transform its meaning for the individual throughout a lifetime. When people lived and slept under the naked skies, happiness might have been constant – found everywhere – in fertile rain and sunshine. As minds wandered, the definition of happiness escaped us.

Further, modern governmental structures make a conscious statement about happiness. “A major element of the American experiment in democracy has been to make the pursuit of happiness a conscious political goal – indeed, a responsibility of the government,” says Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in “Flow”. People are granted the opportunity to pursue happiness and yet no one cares to define it. This might be considered careless, as some people, we would never want to meet in person, might have a disturbing understanding of happiness. In an active argument with positive psychologists, criminologists and clinical psychologists can tell many stories of disturbed individuals, whose concept of happiness we would hardly accept. Narcissistic personalities derive pleasure and joy from power over others, and exploit people with no remorse, being arrogant and self-centered. Antisocial personalities obtain enjoyment by manipulating and tormenting others (The DSM-IV). Schizophrenics, psychiatrists argue, are incapable of experiencing real happiness, as they often cannot distinguish reality from delusions.

What makes people happy and is it safe, and reasonable to encourage them to pursue it? In fact, if future governments continue this line of reasoning, they might agree on a single definition of happiness and try to enforce it. Then, if someone could manage too hook up people on happiness (certainly not impossible with the ideas of Post-Darwinian medicine), they would become careless and indifferent with joy – completely oblivious to the misfortunes of others.